I was asked the question yesterday… WHY did I feel the need to fit into some kind of mold that was outside of who I was?
It took me a while to think through that one. I think the biggest thing is that I didn’t know who I was when I started this “way of life.” I honestly have just been SO insecure for years and was trying to “fit” somewhere. I also have been reading SO many blogs about natural living… I found that most of these make it seem as though this is the “right” way to be a mama. With being insecure as it was, and reading on just about every blog that I followed that this was the right way, I just bought into it. Also, being in the “homebirth” community, this was the norm. As I’ve also mentioned so many times, I am a “black and white” person. I struggle with just being somewhere in the middle… with having balance. When I decide to do something, I want to go for it completely. So because natural childbirth and homebirth were important to me, I guess that meant that I was “crunchy” and that meant that I needed to be that way in every area. I also really wanted what was best for my family… and I figured that the only way to really be a good mama would be to feed my family perfectly, only use natural and organic products (because that’s truly better for them), cloth diaper (because it’s void of chemicals), etc, which brought me into this “natural” way of living.
It’s so interesting as I take a step back and look at my past and who I am today. I’m not saying that I absolutely hate natural living and all things natural. I just can’t make that WHO I am. It’s not something that I would do if I hadn’t read about it everywhere. I’m also not saying that eating healthy is pointless. I think it’s important. Again… I just don’t want to be associated with being a “crunchy” person anymore. To me, it means bondage because it means I have to live a certain way… a way that I can’t live up to… and a way that has been way too much of a focus in the past 5 years.
So where do I go from here?
I love my family. I take the kids to the park. We do homeschool for this year because that’s what we need to do. I do laundry and dishes. We look for a home and continue through that process. I enroll Karis in school for next year and place the boys on the waiting list for the preschool. I enroll Karis in ballet. I spend less on food . I feed my family simply. I continue doing my childbirth educator training. We get involved at Stonebriar. I continue doing what I do… without the “natural/crunchy” label that I placed on myself.
It’s as simple as that.
And it feels good .
I also think that this is just part of the process of growing up. As I near 30, I’m becoming more secure in who I am, and I’m figuring out just who that is . I care less what others think, and I find that I don’t need to read other blogs and see what everyone else is doing to find what I need to do for me and my family.