These past few days have been so good for me. More than anything, I have needed some time to pray, process, think, and just be. It’s been a long time. As I mentioned before, I have been reading the book Sprit-Led Parenting and it has been eye-opening to say the least. I am so very thankful that God chose Megan (of Sorta Crunchy) and Laura (of In the Backyard) to share their lives with us in a way that would show us that freedom from fear and guilt is possible.
This morning I sat down and just wrote through some things. Who am I? What is my identity in? What decisions have I made out of fear? What decisions have I made and realized later that they were just because I thought it was what was expected me? What decisions have I made and realized later that I was just trying to fit myself into some kind of mold that I didn’t belong in? What am I struggling with right now that is a bondage that I have placed myself in?
Through all of this processing, I have come to a huge revelation… one that I’m almost ashamed to have come to… I am NOT “naturally” a natural person. I’m not “crunchy.” I don’t enjoy living the “natural” life. It brings me a lot of stress and frustration.
What? Isn’t this what my whole identity has been in for like 5 years?? I’m breaking free today. My identity is in Christ, not a way of living.
Yes, I believe in homebirth and natural childbirth, but other things are not things that I’m as passionate about as I thought…
I don’t like cloth diapering (it actually grosses me out greatly), I vaccinate (after years of researching it), I don’t hate the medical community (ha!), I love Coke Zero, I don’t *like* baking and cooking from scratch, I take birth control and anxiety meds, co-sleeping makes me crazy, I prefer convenience over homemade, I don’t really care about eating non-organic foods, I wouldn’t actually do well in the country, I’m a city girl, I didn’t really enjoy having chickens as much as I thought I would, I love having stores right by me, I love to get out of the house and do things, TV doesn’t bother me, I can’t stand natural personal care products and cleaners (I have tried so many and do NOT like them), and (not completely related to natural living, but often connected) I know that my kids would do well in school (despite how much I have been fighting it)… in fact, I am pretty sure that God is calling our family to be in the public schools (again, despite how much I have been fighting it). I *think* I have been fighting this because it didn’t fit into the mold (I’m still processing through this). I’m still unsure about Karis (for various reasons), but whatever decision we end up making will be what’s best for us.
For the past several years (since Karis was a baby), I have been trying to fit myself into a “natural/crunchy” mold, and I don’t fit. Because of this I have lived in constant bondage and I have lived with a huge weight on my shoulders and in constant guilt (and judgment for others).
More than anything, I desire to live a simple life… and that may not mean living naturally. For me, living simply doesn’t involve baking and cooking from scratch, raising my own food, cloth diapering, making my own personal care products, homeschooling, etc. For me, living simply means letting go of the expectation to do all of those things in order to just live life. For me, living simply means enjoying and loving my kids and hubby and not worrying about doing all of the other things perfectly.
This provides me with so much freedom. I had no idea that I was causing my own bondage by trying to fit into a mold that I don’t fit into.
So… who am I??
Well… first and foremost I am a daughter of Christ. My identity is in Him and Him alone. I love Him, desire to serve Him, make Him known, and love others through Him. I am a wife to an amazing man of God. I am his best friend and he is mine. He knows me better than I know myself, and knows what is best for our family (and he leads that way). I am a mama to three beautiful children… I am not a perfect mama, but I am their mama. I love them just the way they are, and they love me just the way I am. We are learning and growing together. I am an imperfect person, living in this imperfect world, by the grace of God alone. I fight my husband’s leadership often out of the desire to be in control. I almost always come to the conclusion that he is right… and end up letting go in order for God to be glorified in our family and marriage.
I have had a rough few years, but I am at the point of letting go of my past and moving forward to the beautiful things that are to come. I cannot allow my past to control me anymore. I cannot allow the fear of others, the fear of the unknown, and the guilt of my past to control me anymore.
I love coffee (and hanging out in coffee shops), I enjoy being outside, music is what keeps me sane some days, I really don’t enjoy cleaning (as much as I try to enjoy it), I enjoy watching HGTV, I am judgmental sometimes (despite the fact that I get annoyed with others for the same thing), I enjoy soda, I like eating fast food, I am not naturally patient, I love autumn, holidays, good smelling candles, the colors green and brown, owls and birds, flowers, sweets, my iPhone, computers, writing, reading, long discussions with friends, t-shirt/jeans/flip-flops, throwing my hair up without worrying about how it looks, not wearing makeup, learning, teaching, laughing, organizing…
I’m turning 30 in a few months. I have changed so much over the past several years, and I’m excited about what is to come. God is faithful and He has given me what I need to become the person that He has called me to be. I am thankful for a relationship with Him and for the opportunity to learn and grow in Him. I pray that He is glorified for my honesty today.
I am finished with trying to shove myself into this self-created mold, so I am moving forward and I’m going to be the person that God has created me to be!
Because of this huge revelation, the blog that I initially created will be shifting focus. I’m not sure what is to come with my blog, but I will not be focused on natural living/homeschooling anymore. It’s simply not me and it’s not my family. I am excited about what’s to come… even if that means that I don’t even blog anymore. I’m not even sure at this point 
. I don’t want to be “just another blog” about the same thing… I want this blog to reflect who I am, not who I have been trying to be. We’ll see what happens .
Courntey, so proud of you (and a little humbled, too) So often we get with ‘like-minded’ friends and then think that we have to do everything they do, or seem to do. I think we’ve all been guilty of it, whether it was intentional or not. I am so encouraged by your honesty, your sharing and your open-ness. Go for it! Be the you that you were meant to be, not the you that you’ve felt you ‘should’ be. It’s ok to like certain parts of the ‘crunchy’ lilfestyle and not the others. I personally love most of it, but even though I think I would like to raise my own food, I’m coming to the realization that it’s a crazy amount of work, and we just don’t have the land for it anyway. So I’m content to buy my food from others. I like the convenience of being close to everything (especially with D in gym 4 days a week) and while I like the idea of living out in the sticks, I want that land to magically share a border with the Wal-Mart parking lot. HA! Go for it, young lady, be YOU! Glad you had the opportunity to spend some time thinking about what you like, who you are, how you want to live. As always, praying for you, my friend.
Blessings, ~K~
Thanks, again, for always being encouraging
. I’m blessed by our friendship!
I just turned 30 a few months ago, and it does seem like a wake up call of sorts to help you prioritize what is important to you and to “not sweat the small stuff”. I always like how you aren’t afraid to show us when you’re not perfect…I get panic attacks too. We just have to try and enjoy the simple moments and not worry so much, but as Moms how can we not worry?
I think this is part of the “growing up” process
. We figure out who we are and what our purpose is. It’s good, but a hard process.
Oh ma’am! We may need to talk later. So many of these thoughts I have been having the past few months. I have even thought recently that I am tired of ALL of my conversations with some of my friends being about ‘natural’ things. I want my conversations to involve Christ and what He is doing, not my newly found organic treat or way of doing things. Or whether Abi is starting kindergarten at our public school this year. Thank you for this encouraging post. Thank you for being vulnerable and real.
I’m so glad that I’m moving close to you
. We need to talk, soon!
Thanks for sharing! It’s definitively hard when you are around a group of like minded people you love and admire yet have different paths you want to go. It’s nice to hear your thoughts and journey as I think we all go thru something like it in our own way even if we dont admit it.
Hugs to you!