As I have written many times on here, I have been struggling (yet again) for the past several months (really, the past several years). I made the decision on Wednesday (after a mini-breakdown) that I needed to start seeing a Christian counselor. I don’t want to go into all of the details about my appointment yesterday, but I will say that the majority of my “issues” come from the fact that I haven’t grieved… I haven’t grieved the reality and sadness of my brother’s life and death. His death was awful, BIG, and difficult to understand; and at the same time, his life was also all-consuming since high school. I honestly don’t remember the last time that our family didn’t have to deal with my brother’s illness. It’s been a struggle for at least 15 years…
When I told the “story” of my brother’s life (starting with his suicide attempts in high school) and his horrible death, my counselor said that I shared this story with a very calm demeanor… almost as if I was on the outside looking in. Maybe that’s been my way to deal with it for so long… and all of my issues of trying to control everything (food, exercise, a clean house, etc) and all of the changes that we have made for the past several years have been my way to deal with it as well. I’ve always felt that I needed to be strong… so I just tried to move on.
She basically made it clear that until I truly allow myself to feel… grieve… process his life and death, I won’t be able to overcome my struggles because they most likely come from that (in my desire to control whatever I can).
So I am taking some time to do this. It’s not necessary to share everything that’s going on in my heart and my head, and I’m going to be writing about my “new journey,” but I won’t be sharing most things on here because I believe it’s between God and me.
There’s probably more to my “issues” than just this, but this is a good place to start. We’ve also decided to not make any major life changes or decisions for a while as I begin this process (which includes adoption). I need to get through this before I do anything else.
I’m taking a night away (tonight), thanks to my hubby. I have a hotel booked, about 5 miles away. I’m going to do lots of praying, crying, thinking, and processing.
I’m honestly excited about what this new “journey” will bring.
Until next time…