I’m sorry that I haven’t been around much lately… life has been incredibly busy.  So busy that my house is a wreck, our laundry is backed up, and I have no energy to do anything about it.  And I’m okay with that. 

Currently, the kids and my hubby are watching Monsters, Inc in the living room… complete with sleeping bags, pillows, and blankets.  We are all relaxing and enjoying it.  We’re giving in to being “lazy” after giving our all the whole week. 

This past week, I (we) had something going on just about every day and evening.  This is the first time that I’ve had a chance to sit down in front of the computer. 

And oddly, despite my exhaustion, I’m happy with how this week has been.

I’ve served Jesus, I’ve learned a lot from PTA ladies (several PTA meetings this week), I’ve spent time with my family, I’ve spent quality time with my friends, I’ve worked and made money (which we need), I’ve gone grocery shopping (all at one place for once), and I’ve focused on the priorities. 

That’s what life is all about, right? 

Life isn’t about food.  It’s not about being crafty.  It’s not about impressing others.  It’s not about being perfect.  It’s not about a perfectly clean house.  It’s not about being caught up on laundry. 

It’s about Jesus, building relationships, serving my family, and loving people. 

I’ve been learning a lot…

I’ve learned that my anxiety isn’t caused by busyness, certain foods, or even money problems… I’ve learned that it’s caused by my incredibly high expectations for myself.

I’ve learned that I don’t trust God as much as I say I do.  I’ve had a really hard time letting go of control.

I’ve learned that life is best lived in the moment.

I’ve learned that I truly have the best family in the world.

I’ve learned that I am blessed with amazing friends.

I’ve learned that serving Jesus can be in so many forms… including in the simple things such as reading to my kids… making my family dinner… and buying groceries. 

I’ve learned that it’s good to be passionate about things, but nothing should come before my relationship with Jesus and my family.

I’ve learned that extremes lead to focus, which leads to idols. 

I’ve learned that if I trust God to provide (and give Him what is His), He will provide. 

I’ve learned that I am pretty self-centered, selfish, and prideful.

I’ve learned that I am a sinful human, no matter how hard I try… so instead of focusing on myself, I need to be focused on Him and how His grace is sufficient. 

I’ve learned that we’re all imperfect, and I need to be better at loving people where they are. 

I could keep going… but for now, I’m going to go cuddle up with my girl on the couch and watch the movie . 

I have realized so much the past few days…

I have a lot on my mind that I need to get out. 

I have realized that I’ve been struggling through life because I’ve been trying to live up to someone that I’m not (and I’m still in the process of finding out who I am… to be honest). 

I have realized that the life God gave me is the one that I should be living out. 

I have realized that I have a story…

God allowed(s) me to go through things so that I can glorify Him. 

And I’m not doing that very well.

Here I am… starting fresh. 

This Crazy, Messy Life is going to be more “me” from now on.  It’s going to be more focused on what I had planned from the beginning… This crazy and messy life, and how God’s grace is sufficient, even in the most difficult moments.

God made me on purpose, for a purpose… and I want to live out that purpose.  I want to bring Him glory. 

I know that I’m not the best writer out there.  I know that my numbers aren’t large here.  I know that I might be just writing for myself.  And for the first time, I’m okay with all of that. 

It doesn’t change the fact that writing is so beneficial for me.  It doesn’t change the fact that I trust God to encourage people through this blog.  It doesn’t change the fact that even if one person is encouraged, it’s worth it. 

I’m moving forward.  I’m going to live in freedom, and not allow the chains of sin and death hold me down anymore.  I am going to live and breath the truth, knowing that God will use all things for His glory. 

Here I am, Lord, I am all yours. 

My goal as I move forward is to just write.  Write about what I’m struggling with.  Write about the joy in my life.  Write about my story. 

My story is one of struggle, anxiety, excitement, joy, pain, and love.  My story is one of a lifetime of mental illness in my family, that led to the death of my only sibling (it doesn’t end there, though).  My story is one of sorrow, grief, depression, and finding the good among the difficult.  My story is one of unconditional love.  My story is one of learning that I don’t fit in, and that’s okay.  In fact, that’s perfect.  My story involves so many amazing people.  I am incredibly blessed.

I can’t wait to share.  

…it is SO subtle.  And most days I feel like I’m barely holding on.

I have found that most of the anxiety I experience comes from the pressures that I feel on a moment by moment basis as a mom (along with money issues).  Most of these pressures come from with-in, but I’ve come realize (by backing away from reading blogs, writing blog-posts, and being on Facebook so much) that mommy-pressure is all over the place.  All.  Over.  The.  Place. 

Seriously.

The constant guilt that I am doing something wrong (which means questioning every decision that I make over and over).

Exhausting myself trying to do everything “right” (whatever that is). 

Spending more money than we have to keep up with the ideals that I have (not on things like our house, clothes, etc… but on things with-in the spectrum of natural living).

Comparing myself to other moms (let’s face it… we all do it).

Thinking that if we all don’t eat grass-fed/organic foods, we will all be obese and in poor health in a few years.

Thinking that the chemicals in products will completely screw up our hormones and/or give us cancer.

Thinking that living naturally means that you have to “do it all,” or even that living naturally is something that everyone should focus on.  Thinking that I needed a label.

Feeling that I must do amazing activities, pinterest-worthy recipes, and that my house needs to be decorated perfectly.

Thinking that because I work, I must not be as good of a bad mom (and in reality, I would love it if I could get a full time position). 

Feeling that my screaming children means that I can’t discipline (and so what if I’m not perfect in this area).

I have been struggling with this cycle for years.  I don’t know how to break it. 

I know that living “naturally” is something that I enjoy, but I didn’t realize how much pressure I was putting on myself and others (many people think that I have it “all together,” when that is NOT the case… trust me).  I know that I would love to enjoy being home with my kids 100% of the time, but it’s just. not. me.  (even if we could afford it)

Money is tighter in our household than I am comfortable with.  Any time we get money in savings, something comes up.  We have had car issue, after car issue.  This current one is costing us a LOT.  I realize that this is part of life… but it is overwhelming and VERY stressful. 

Through this financial difficulty, I’m beginning to realize that I haven’t been honoring my husband in this area (all things financial), in an attempt to follow my ideals…

You know, the stay-at-home, perfectly-eating, beautifully-skinny, mommy with well-behaved children, a perfectly clean house, amazing summer activities, and a mama that always gives the best gifts to others (all home-made, of course).

Robert and I have talked a lot about things, and though I do spend less than the average family on groceries, I will have to lower my budget even more.  I can’t do this and buy natural products, grass-fed meats, all organic produce, etc.  I can’t do this if I’m driving all over town and to other towns to buy groceries (Trader Joe’s is a good 20 minutes away… an Walmart is maybe 2).  I can’t do this if I’m paying shipping to order items online. 

Together, we have made the decision that I will have to pick a store (or two at most) to shop from, it needs to be close, and it needs to be inexpensive.  It looks like Walmart will be the only option (and Costco, sometimes).  I can get mostly everything there (our local Walmart has a great selection).  This takes so much pressure off, and will make grocery shopping affordable and easy.  It’s close, and many things that I buy at other places are cheaper there.  That does mean that our produce won’t be organic.  That does mean that our products won’t be natural.  That does mean that I won’t be able to keep up with my ideals of buying groceries at my favorite stores and co-ops… but it also means that grocery shopping and food won’t be my focus anymore.

My priorities have been way off, which has been causing me more stress than I could bear. 

I want Jesus and my family to be my focus and first priority.  And I want to honor my husband when he tells me that we can’t do something, or that we need to do something (because he usually knows what’s best).  I am PRAYING that I will remember this peace.  Despite the fact that life is crazy, money is tight, and I’m exhausted, I have true peace because I’m doing what God tells me to do…

I need to back away from blogs… especially ones that focus on doing things perfectly.  There are plenty of great blogs out there that are encouraging to the “normal,” stressed-out mama (like the one below). 

I absolutely needed to read this today… it’s from the blog Lisa-Jo Baker: Encouragement for Tired Moms (click on it to get the free printable at her website):

I have moments in which blogging is just for fun… a hobby.  And it should be just that. 

Then, I begin feeling as though I need to do this or that because “that’s what other bloggers do.” 

I find myself making my blog into more of a job… and to be honest, I don’t have time for that.  I find myself trying to figure out how to create more traffic… and when that doesn’t happen, I get discouraged. 

Blogging, for me, needs to just be a hobby… a way to share the ups and downs of life.  I’m backing off, yet again, so that I can focus on my family.  I want to be able to enjoy everything that I’m involved in, and right now, I’m just overwhelmed by everything.  I love the series that I’ve been working on, but I’m not sure that I’m in a place in which it’s beneficial to me to focus on it. 

So today, I have decided to write for *me,* and if you want to “be in on it”… great. 

See you around . 

I realize that there are so many blog posts like this these days… but I thought I’d share my perspective .  I think this is important, because it’s real. 

Being a mommy is quite possibly the most difficult job in the world. 

Much of the time, the kids’ whining, screaming, and fighting grate on my nerves and make me very frustrated and angry. 

I fight very hard against yelling, but it just comes out. 

When it comes to sounds that cause sensory over-load, self-control is very difficult. 

Then there’s the mess.  Often times, I clean the house, and with-in 30 minutes is already a mess again. 

Even more often, I have a hard time even getting it clean because they are messing it up while I’m cleaning.

I. Hate. Messes.

I spend hours most weekends baking, and either the food is wasted, or they don’t like it. 

I spend hours on our meal plan, and cooking nutritious food… and they whine because it’s not what they want.

The internet makes being a mommy even more difficult.  Constantly, I feel like what I do isn’t good enough.

“Stop screaming, stop whining, stop running in the house, stop making a mess…”  These are words that come out of my mouth, often.

I’m not crafty.  I try, but it doesn’t come naturally.

My house isn’t perfectly decorated.  

Despite the fact that I know how to bake nutritious food, I can’t say that I make the most tasty food.

I don’t read to the boys every day (yes, I said that… and I’m a teacher). 
Karis reads to me, but I don’t read to her as often as I should.

I sometimes forget to brush Levi’s teeth or remind Ethan to brush his (yuck, I know).  We don’t bathe them every day.

Some days, I turn on movies/t.v. so I can have some peace. and. quiet.

I am so forgetful.  Levi is probably always the only one in his class not wearing the color of the day. 

No matter how hard we try, we never have any money.  It seems to go to something that the kids need as soon as we get paid… ballet costume and performance fees, pictures, something at school, FOOD. 

Have I mentioned that my kids eat more than my husband and I do?  And I have a budget of $500-600 a month for a family of 5, for food and everything else. 

Some days I grow weary of trying to feed myself and my family so healthy (but, now that I know so much about nutrition, I can’t turn back).

Some days, I wish I could just go back to the old days… you know, before I had kids… before I knew any better… before I researched everything and felt that no matter how hard I tried, I was doing something wrong. 

But… I am here, now. 

So… I love my kids.  Today.  I take one moment at a time.  I drink a glass of wine when I need to.  I spend some time alone when I feel like I’m going to yell at my kids.  I read to them instead of trying to make the house look spotless.  I remind myself that I have a chance to try again tomorrow.  I remind myself that God loves me… right here… right now.  And I remind myself that the kids have everything they need… what more could they ask for?

I know that the years of whining, fighting, and screaming will pass by and I will probably only remember the good.  I desire, right here and now, to be more diligent to focus on the good.  But, I also know that I am human and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. 

This is also where I remind myself that because 100% is impossible, 80-90% is pretty good .  I’m not always going to get it right… but that’s okay.  I feel that the times I don’t get it right are great ways to teach my kids.  Remind them that we are all imperfect… that’s why Jesus came.  Show them what humility is.  Show them that God loves each one of them, just like He loves me… even when I make mistake after mistake. 

I’m learning, slowly, to just live life.  Some days are harder than others… but God’s grace is sufficient.

I’m thankful for the little things… like when Ethan tells me how beautiful I am, or when Karis reads her Bible (often), or when Levi gives hugs and kisses.  I’m thankful that my kids have a good heart and that they love others.  I’m thankful that Jesus is the center of their world.  I’m thankful that we all say “I love you” all day, every day.  I’m thankful that my kids are healthy.  I’m thankful that we have all of our needs met… even though we don’t have what the world says we need. 

Being a mama is the most difficult job in the world… but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.